This Moment
What I am thinking on this Monday morning
This is The Meadow, a place to create space for those seeking to be more fully awake and alive in the world.
I have spent my life, from adolescence to now, bracing for the inevitable disaster.
And sure, they have happened.
A friend's suicidal phone call after midnight
The doctor entering the room announcing cancer
The text message saying my cousin died
The TV news video of a plane flying into the Twin Towers
The election results showing we elected a felon as President.
But what has all that bracing accomplished?
It didn't lessen the pain, it just made it last longer.
"The resistance to feeling pain is worse than the pain itself," Joe said.
He was right
But it doesn't stop old habits.
I drop my oldest kid off at the Greyhound station to head back to college
Will the bus get there safely? Will anyone harass them?
We move my mom to Jacksonville to an apartment on the second floor
The stairs are outside. They get cold, even a bit icy in winter
Will she fall?
Will my husband, a federal worker, lose his job?
Will I?
Meanwhile, the yellow-rumped warbler sings across the street
A female cardinal hops onto my feeder
My friend brings me daffodils, and they bloom bright yellow on my kitchen counter
My husband hugs me a few seconds longer before bed.
This world, this terrible, beautiful world!
May I stop hardening myself to all the pain, real and imagined
May I stop living in fear of what if....
May I open my eyes to what is.
May I open my eyes to the beauty and goodness around me.
May I open up to the awful, wondrous truth of being alive, right now, right here
This moment
I love this shift phrase: Meanwhile, the yellow-rumped warbler sings across the street