The Way Out is the Way In
What I'm learning these days
This is The Meadow, a place to create space for those seeking to be more fully awake and alive in the world.
Today I learned what self-protection feels like when I allow it to be seen and not immediately fixed. I began the day with internal distress about a meeting I led yesterday. My mind cataloged my sins: I was too informal, I alluded to an event that may not have been public knowledge yet, I let a speaker speak on behalf of another group member rather than asking the group member if what was being said was true, I reprimanded someone who was only trying to help. I felt bad, like I was a bad leader. I wanted to hide, or quit, or press on with a plan to fix myself.
Instead, this morning, I made myself sit on my meditation bench and face my discomfort. This was not my usual behavior. I was inspired by inner work I have been doing on acceptance and presence, even in the face of difficult emotions. I would typically use meditation to try and soothe away the discomfort instead of facing it.
I breathed in and out, watching my mind trying to protect my ego self, watching the self-protector part try to gain control. "I need to take a leadership course," "I need to be better prepared for meetings," "It wasn't that bad…." on and on my mind spun. I just kept returning to letting that part of me be seen and exposed. I didn't want to do this. It felt like pain and vulnerability. I had missed the mark. More thoughts came. The meeting wasn't as effective as it could have been. It wasn't a welcoming place for all members. I just let all that pain, all that sense of failure, just be present, without pushing it away, making excuses, or fixing it.
It was humbling. It felt like almost unbearable pain to be so exposed, so "caught" in the act of not being perfect, not living up to my ideals. As I sat there, gently remembering to return to my breath and allow the feelings to be there, I noticed something interesting happening. Compassion started arising in my chest. Compassion for me in my flawed leadership yesterday. But also for other leaders who miss the mark. I am usually very judgmental of those in positions of power and authority, especially when they do things that are insensitive or shut others down. And here I did the same thing. It happens. I sat with that. It happens. Good leaders miss the mark. We make mistakes. Oh, how I wish that weren't so. And still, all the wishing and hiding from the truth doesn't make it go away.
As I sat with the sense of compassion gently filling my chest, I felt the desire emerge to be more present at meetings, even ones that don't seem that important. To bring more of my full self to these Zoom sessions. To give myself permission to stop and pause the meeting if things seem to be going awry. And to allow myself, and others, the space to be themselves. I felt a sense of gratitude for all those there at the meeting, showing up, trying to do good work together. I didn't embark on a program to fix myself. Rather, I felt the deep intention to do better arise in me and a deep "yes" in my soul to that commitment.
I am excited by this new learning. I feel like I have new tool in my toolbox for when I mess up or fall short of my ideals. It reminds me of an old saying I have heard over the years, "the way out is in," and I get it now, on a somatic/body level. Face pain and make room for it, allow it teach me how to be in the world. Let it teach me compassion. Let it free me from judgment and self-righteousness. Let it set me free from perfectionism and highly controlled ways of being in the world. So, this is what I'm learning these days. What about you? What are you learning in this season of your life?
I look forward to your thoughts and comments. It feels wonderful to connect with others who share a similar commitment to waking up and living life more fully alive. I want to learn from your experiences, and I hope what I write is of some help or comfort too.
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WONDERFUL article. Thank you for your intention and vulnerability, Michele!
You’re reminding me of Hinds’ Feet in High Places--how Little Much Afraid had to grasp the hands of Sorrow and Suffering to reach the high places.